Unfaithful
by Quarry
Summary: 'If we broke up, I wouldn't cry like I should, I wouldn't plead my case to him and proclaim that I love him. Really I just wouldn't care as much as I should and it would be my reaction that would seal my fate.'


Unfaithful

It's late at night when he kisses me with a love that I know is there, and he speaks my name like a mantra and runs his hands over my skin. Marks me as his own. It's then that I can feel the words whispered against my flesh:

'_Mine.'_

I'm happy that he hasn't told me he loves me yet, I don't think that I would be able to lie to him like that. Even I'm not that good.

It's when I come home late from work and the way his face lights up then becomes guarded, that I can see he knows, or has started realizing that I don't need to work late anywhere as much as I do.

The same happens when I go to visit my village. He kisses me that bit too desperately, holds me that bit too tight, and when we part he stands in the doorway and watches my car all the way down the street. Even though I'm out of his sight, it feels like he's watching me all the time, watching as I crush his heart into a thousand pieces and throw it all in the recycling to be turned into something mutated and warped beyond recognition.

I don't see why I bother lying anymore, it's not like either of us are falling for it, it's just a wall to hide behind, something to get in the way. Call it procrastination on my part but I just want that bit more time before the pieces are out of my reach and before it's too late to go back.

In the beginning it was wrong and hard but oh so easy. Poor little Kai fell for every one of my untruths, but after a while even he managed to see through the haze of love to the truth on the other side. It was when we got inquiring phone calls from Mariah and Lee when I was supposed to have seen them only a fortnight ago that he started thinking about the possibility that something might be lurking beneath, something darker and overall that much more unpleasant.

I never had the guts to bring him to our place; I wouldn't go that far, just in case. The worse thing is that I had stopped really caring, I was resigned to this turning cycle, and if I really thought about it I realized that if it changed, if Kai did something or spoke out, if we broke up, I wouldn't cry like I should, I wouldn't plead my case to him and proclaim that I love him. Really I just wouldn't care as much as I should and it would be my reaction that would seal my fate.

Every time I come back the pain in his eyes has intensified and instead of shimmering ruby I see fresh blood, held back by a dam that will have to break sometime. He knows now. I think it's killing him bit by bit, because more than anything he knows that I'm aware of his new found knowledge and it is that, the understanding that I would rather hurt him this way than find out the alternative, that is really killing him inside.

One day I will end it. One day I will stop. One day I will summon the courage and for the first time in so long I won't be so selfish and I'll do the right thing and if the blood spills onto my hands so be it.

It would have to happen at some point.

One day is very soon.

One day has come and gone, and I'm still here.

It was the hardest thing to do, I think that I may have fallen in love with the 'other guy' but really it was that understanding that made me realize that I do love Kai. More than I could ever love the other man. I would never be really happy without Kai. I would be happy but not in the same way because I know that the other man didn't, and never would, love me. I finally got my priorities in check.

Kai forgave me. I don't really know why. He already knew so it wasn't a big surprise but he seemed happy that I'd told him, happy that he now has my trust.

I don't keep anything from Kai anymore, it's too painful. I told him I love him, he said that he loves me back.

There is still sometimes that look in his eye, the way he stares at me as I open my eyes first thing in the morning. That look that tells me he still gets worried, well I assume it's that, for all I know he could be thinking of how I don't deserve him, how he should leave me. I don't like to think about that.

He doesn't whisper that I'm his anymore. I think he knows that he doesn't have to, that time is passed and I'm never making the same mistake twice.

I'm going to surprise him. I've returned a day early from visiting my old village and we can enjoy ourselves as it's such a lovely day. Kai always used to say that we had more fun when it was more spontaneous so now I'm taking matters into my own hands. I'm making the effort.

The door opens and from the sound of it Kai's upstairs probably doing an exercise or something from all the banging about.

He's in the bedroom which is unusual as it's only midday and he never does any of his work outs in there.

The door swings open and I freeze, little shards fall onto the floor.

Harsh breathing, passionate pants, slick naked bodies.

Two people.

One is my Kai.

Kai looks around and suddenly he too freezes in place. The man underneath him claws at Kai's arms in a bid to make him continue, wanting to know why he's stopped.

Kai is still inside the other man.

The strange forgiveness.

The remaining look in his eye.

The way he doesn't claim me as his anymore.

I wonder what it looks like to him. Does it look like a molten river of gold burning my eyes then working down to my heart? I never got Kai's blood on my hands, the dam never quite cracked. Now I know why.

I was unfaithful.

The recycling will be collected tomorrow.


End file.
